I have been through so much these last couple of months. Im now in college in a small town. I even almost had a family before everything went south. i literally go by a diffrent name and i dont really know who i am. Sometimes i think im losing it ! Like literally losing it... i have so many decisions to make , its like i just want to cry. But who will hold me ? But then again im not really looking for anyone to hold me , i just want to start over. I think i have the oppurtunity that i am looking for to start over. I am so scared, becuase what if i fall back into old habits and become that girl that i am afraid of. My worst night mare ! The girl that cant get her life together, looking for an out when there is no out. Looking for closure from everyone that i think have done me wrong , in what we call the "past". The past has really screwn me over . Its almost too sad , all i do is look back in time. Wondering where i went wrong and what i did wrong. I do not want to worry about my wrong doings in life , i just need a fresh start . Am i asking for too much ? Maybe i am , because i can not control everyones actions and how they think. Im still trying to see if i can work something out with the people that were almost my family . I just want to put the the past in the past if it was negative. i am literally starting over...
I have been so busy Guys and I have the app on my phone so now I will be able to post at least twice a week !! Now that is great news , so I have to catch y'all up on my life .. My really good friend brook is leaving this week to go to college , I'm so sad but I leave to go to San Angelo next week lol . I can't believe after all the hell I have been through I am finally going somewhere in life , hopefully this is a journey that is waiting to be started. I already put in my two weeks notice so my last day of work will be this Saturday or Monday , I don't know yet . I haven't even started packing which is something that will kick me in the behind if I forget , guess I should start packing huh ? I have a week till today to have everything I need to go to college . It's so nerve wrecking but yet is great all at the same time , I am even becoming really good friends with one of my roommates! We are going to workout together when I go down to San Angelo and we watch the same shows , it's like who knew you could have so much in common with one person. I didn't not know until now, I am about to start packing so I will definitely get back to you guys . . .
I want to get to a point in my life where i can finally be happy everyday. Lately it has been hard everything is hitting me all at once , i am starting to become depressed. I am trying to reach out to people that can help me but i still feel like i am drowning. Why , i keep asking myself and i keep searching for answers , not realizing that maybe i am the problem and solution to all my issues in life. I dont mean to be the debby downer in life , but hey i need help and i am owning up to that today.
So for the last couple of weeks , i have been noticing something off about my boyfriend texting. But to make my self feel better i just tell my self and him that I am just going crazy and maybe its just me. Knowing good well its just not me , most likely if I feel some type of way , it is really that way. Hopefully i am making since ! Anyway i finally have gotten the chance to have " the talk " . . .
The talk was me talking to him about whats going to happen in OUR future , and that went left really quick . All he replied with was "okayyy ? " As if i was talking to my self or my personal favorite " I don't know what to say" , i was a little hurt , all of this for what ? But I care and i started to fall for my boyfriend more and more , i cant give up now , i cant just let my relationship go downhill . By the way i told him , i feel like we are going down hill fast and i felt like there was nothing i could do about it and he said " Is that really how you feel ?" And i replied" Yes well I do not know" , I was scared to tell him yes and keep it that way. I want to fight for us , I am trying and distance and work is are biggest enemies at the moments : Its gotten so worse i see him once a week and if that none, I just need him to try with me . . . I need more from him mentally and physically i just do not know how to tell him with out shutting down. Next month could be hell for me or it could be great and me and my boyfriend will still be together working it out from a distance.
I did not mean to just stop talking about this but I have to go before I get emotional again . . .
Its been 2 months since i last logged in , i cant believe it . Well I am a high school graduate now and i work at On the border making money to pay for my tuition . Everything is finally happening for me , except i still do not have a car , so i have been missing out on a lot of money i could have been getting. Life is just becoming so overwhelming , that i have to beat life at its own game or end up getting beat by life. I am determined to succeed but its hard as well . I really miss talking to you guys and getting my blog out there more and now I am messing up. I just need to pray more and stay focused ...
And i forgot i have a boyfriend or a " new boyfriend" lol , Well we started dating in June and he is a great guy he even helps with my " anxiety ". A lot of stuff that i have been going thru , he helps me not think about it as much and he helps me think about a simple way to resolve the issue. I am just happy that i have someone like him in my life. We have to spend a lot of time together , because im leaving for college next month which is still so weird : Its only weird because everything is going to be new and its like a fresh start. I even have a job lined up in San Angelo , which is great for an incoming freshman. I am so nervous yet i am excited and scared , my emotions are everywhere its crazy ! Well until next time :)
I had to go away for a little while because life had just gotten real for me . And i am in the process of trying to survive , some of the consequences and some of the good things because of my actions. A lot of the things that has happened i blame me! Simply because it is time to move on , but i cant because of the traumatic things that has happened to me . They are starting to haunt me , as if i did them to myself yet the person that did do it takes no responsibility . At first i was just looking for him to say sorry , but a sorry will not fix my constant headaches and my visit to the hospital and doctors. At this point i have to let it go , before my life becomes something a cant fix . This is the time for me to seek God , for that he can comfort and protect me and take the pain away. Yet i am afraid , because i do not know what my future holds. What will happen to me , will i finally move on and trust God or will this burden over take me and eventually lead me to death ? All of these questions , makes me question my future , i am scared to death sometimes all i can say is Jesus. In hopes that he hears me and see the tears that i cry , wanting better and wanting him to forgive me. I have to survive , if i do not i will prove people that do not believe in me right. I cant be a screw up , i must become a success story as if my life actually does matter despite everything that has happened.
I should be back on here soon Thank you guys!
I have been through alot , and it is like im still going through some things. I can not seem to find a balance in my life , between school , work , going to college and at home. Where does it end ? I was so stressed because i felt like everyone was leaving my life , but really I WAS LEAVING THERE LIFE. I never really understood that until now! Was a Fantasy becoming my reality , were things finally looking up for me all the way ? I could not believe it ...
At one point i did not feel like i could truly care about anything. Especially when I have been hurt and let down several times in the past.
I can now say i am moving on from what used to be , to what is and boy has it been a journey. i honestly do not see how people do it , but in all its really easy when you let go. I had to learn that the hard way, that some people are only meant to stay in your life for a certain period of time. But i never really got the hint , until i was forced to let go. It sucked but at some point i must let go of what is no longer there. Of course at times i want go back , but i will not because i am jeopardizing what matters most to me , ME.
I will not be blogging for a little while because i am in the process of moving and getting things ready for a new chance at becoming me. Thank you guys for reading my posts , see you soon.
So this whole month has been ridiculous literally. I have found out so much from family and people that i have considered as my family in the past ... I have been hurt this month i have cried many nights , but there has also been a bright side to all this rain. i still have not made up in my mind what college i will be attending but i have made up in my mind to FINALLY BE HAPPY. Because i have found that i am a SURVIVOR and it felt great to hear that today . ( My computer is about to die so to be continued...)
I already consider you as family because , you saw me hurt when i didn't want anybody else to see me hurt. You saw me cry , i mean literally .... And you helped me through some tough times in my life , and yet i ask for nothing but love from you. Because no matter what people say i believe you are truly a good person ! And i appreciate it when you be honest with me , it is better hearing it straight from you then from other resources. I understand that i could be clingy or adaptive ( well somewhat , hopefully i am stating it right ) at times , but it is only because i see you as family .
I have had so much stuff happen , good and bad that i have tried to reach out to you and tell you . Some you have acknowledged and some you still do not know of . I can not continue to reach out if you do not stick out your hand for me , to grab unto. Its so sad because I thought i had someone that i could always talk to and be around no matter what , but this is what happens when you get too close to people. Unfortunately i guess this was a case of a big mistake , but i cant really call it a big mistake because if it wasn't for you , i would have gave up along time ago.
To be continued. . .
Soooo Guess what guys i have a little surprise , I am writing a book! I have been so busy , but i will make time to start on it ... I am really excited , i have always wanted to write a book , i just didn't think it would be about my life lol. But yes i am writing a biography while doing work for school and trying to get into college. I have a full plate right now, its ridiculous . Also i am trying to receive scholarships so i have to nail essays and videos for a chance at money so that i can go to college.Determination is my only key right now to self fulfillment.I want it bad enough , that i can taste it, i literally can taste it...